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Military Jokes

There are 53 Military jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

Air Force denies stories of UFO crash (Added On: 2017-11-29 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


Valles Marineris (MPI) - A spokesthing for Mars Air Force denounced as false rumors that an alien space craft crashed in the desert, outside of Ares Vallis on Friday. Appearing at a press conference today, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser, stated that "the object was, in fact, a harmless high-altitude weather balloon, not an alien spacecraft."

The story broke late Friday night when a major stationed at nearby Ares Vallis Air Force Base contacted the Valles Marineris Daily Record with a story about a strange, balloon-shaped object which allegedly came down in the nearby desert, "bouncing" several times before coming to a stop, "deflating in a sudden explosion of alien gases." Minutes later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted the Daily Record telepathically to contradict the earlier report.

General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that hysterical stories of a detachable vehicle roaming across the Martian desert were blatant fiction, provoked by incidences involving swamp gas. But the general public has been slow to accept the Air Force's explanation of recent events, preferring to speculate on the "other-worldly" nature of the crash debris. Conspiracy theorists have condemned Rgrmrmy's statements as evidence of "an obvious government cover-up," pointing out that Mars has no swamps.


How much time do I have?!? (Added On: 2017-10-29 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


While attending US Army's Airborne School.....
Day before our first jump, the instructors (known as SGT Airbornes,
students are called 'Ariborne') demonstrated all the possible
malfunctions one might encounter. After watching a total malfunction,
i.e. the parachute fails to deploy, one of the students asked: "SGT
Airborne, if we have a complete malfunction, how much time do we have to
deploy our reserve parachutes?"

"Airborne, you have the REST of your life to deploy that reserve!"

Gulp.


Divert Your Course (Added On: 2017-10-22 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


This is an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the US Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans:

Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.



Canadians:

Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.



Americans:

This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.



Canadians:

No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.



Americans:

THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.



Canadians:

This is a lighthouse. Your call.


Overheard from a Soviet Diplomat (Added On: 2017-10-06 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


So Gorbachev decided that now that he was on top, it was time
to impress his ancient mother. He sent his private helicopter out to
the small town where she lived to pick her up. He met her with a
fleet of limos in Red Square.

So, mama. It's good to see you here in Moscow! Come, we eat!

She said nothing about the flight, and followed quietly into his
limo. He took her to the best restaurant in town, where they were served
by an army of waiters. The food was superb, the wine the best money
could buy. She said nothing.

You like the dinner? Come. We fly to my Dacha for drinks.

The chopper picked them up and delivered them to the steps of a
magnificent building, secluded in the outskirts of the city. Waiters
in white coats were waiting, and proceeded to serve them with the
best Cognac and liquor available.

They sat sipping on the porch, looking out over the view.

So, mama. You don't say anything. Aren't you proud of your
little Miki? Haven't I done well?

She turned to him and replied in a quiet voice.

Miki, baby. Is wonderful time I have here. Helicopters are so
grand to fly in. Food is best I have ever tasted. And this, a dacha?
This is more glorious than anything I could imagine.

Yes, Miki. Is wonderful. I am happy for you. But Miki, Baby.
What if the communists return!


-Bil

(Yes, this is NOT my own. I heard it at a party in Sweden, being
told by a low member of the Soviet corps. there.)


Jeep is Stuck (Added On: 2017-09-21 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)


During training exercises, the lieutenant driving
down a muddy back road encountered another car
stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the
wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant
as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing
him the keys, "Yours is."


There are 53 Military jokes in this category. Prev 5 | Next 5

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