Aviation Jokes
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There are 16 Aviation jokes in this category. |
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One Liners (Added On: 2010-08-01 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
How do they get a deer to cross
at that yellow road sign?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because
they taste funny?
Experience is what you get when you didn't
get what you wanted."
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when
you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical
situations?
If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year,
why are there locks on the doors?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make
TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light,
what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car,
it's called a shipment, but when you transport something
by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that
is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane
out of the same substance?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
[More
one liners]
Why Captain Janeway is Better Than Captain Picard (Added On: 2010-06-27 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
More hair than all previous Star Trek commanding officers combined.
Drinks coffee, not that sissy "Earl Grey" stuff.
Beams down to the planet like real Captains should.
Mutes the doctor when the doctor gets out of line.
Hasn't let an adolescent pilot the Federation flagship -- yet.
Commanded ships blown up: Picard: 2 Janeway: 0
Voyager needs a female Captain. Its Captain must be willing to
admit they're lost and pull over for directions.
Picard likes to talk his way through. Janeway likes to punch her way through.
Hasn't quoted Shakespeare -- yet.
Looks better in sleepwear.
Gives guilt trips that would make a Jewish mother proud.
Isn't French with an English accent.
Will give you two days off to ponder your lifeshattering experience.
Janeway says "I don't like you!" to her enemies instead of trying
to convince them to behave better.
To comfort children, Janeway cares for them in a loving motherly
way. Picard sings a song... in French... about a monk... who
can't wake up for morning bells.
The only children on Voyager can be turned off at will.
Janeway has a First Officer with a tattoo.
She doesn't have any pesky Federation Admirals to get in her way.
Three words: Compression Phaser Rifles.
Acknowledges freely when she breaks the Prime Directive instead
of trying to weasel her way out of it with philosophical ramblings.
15 episodes without surrendering the ship.
15 episodes and Wesley has yet to save the ship.
Janeway's holo programs create useful things like doctors and
lungs. Picard's holodecks create maniacal evil geniuses who yet
again take over the ship.
She doesn't need to straighten her uniform every time she stands.
Janeway has never worn green tights and frolicked about in
Sherwood Forest. However, if she did, she would look fantastic!
Kirk looked good in ripped shirts; Picard looked good without a
shirt; Janeway would look... no, they can't do that on network television.
Doesn't force her crew to wear awful outfits, unless it is to
blend in with a primitive planet.
She doesn't waste time learning foreign languages. All lifeforms
in the Delta Quadrant speak perfect English.
Her engineer does not wear a banana clip over his eyes.
Slouches in her chair even in critical life-threatening moments.
Doesn't have a Counselor on board (thank God!).
Her telepath only lives nine years.
Janeway heard the words "boldly go where no man (er, woman)
has gone before" and took them to the extreme.
Picard tells alien cultures, "I hope our two cultures will one
day come to a greater understanding." Janeway threatens them with
"the deadliest of force".
Janeway's Security Chief would never grow a ponytail.
The high point of Enterprise cuisine were scrambled eggs that
only Worf could stomach.
Janeway doesn't have to point which way to go when they set off.
Maintains an elaborate hairdo that would baffle even Princess Leia.
Has mastered facial expression understood by all to mean, "Boy,
Paris, are YOU ever stupid."
Hugs her Vulcan from time to time.
Has a more manly voice.
Doesn't have a starship that splits in half when it's in a tight spot.
Has a dog and a significant other, not some damn fish!
Kes. Troi. No contest.
Nealix. Replicator. Ok, this one's debatable.
At least she doesn't have to yell "Hot!" at her cook every time
she wants something to drink.
Her ship has neat-looking folding warp nacelles.
Her CONN officer actually went through the Academy.
Her CONN officer can use contractions.
Her first officer has a hallucinogenic device.
None of the crew members' relatives have ever tried to take over
the ship, invade the Federation, steal a starship, or enslave all humankind.
To help her relax, Janeway's first officer helps her contact her
spirit guide. Picard's first officer helps him get... to Risa.
What just happened here? (Added On: 2010-01-31 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"
If Operating Systems Were Airplanes (Added On: 2010-01-21 Rating : 2.50 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
DOS Airline:
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they
jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground
again, then they push again, jump on again and so on.
DOS with QEMM Airline:
The same thing but with more leg room to push.
Mac Airline:
All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers,
and ticket agents look the same, act the same, and talk the
same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are
told you don't need to know, don't want to know, and that
everything will be done for you without you having to know,
so just shut up.
OS/2 Airline:
To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped ten different
times by standing in ten different lines. Then you fill out a
form showing where you want to sit and whether the plane should
look and feel like an ocean liner, a passenger train, or a bus.
If you succeed in getting on board the plane and the plane
succeeds in getting off the ground, you have a wonderful
trip... except for the times when the rudder and flaps get frozen in
position, in which case you have time to say your prayers and
get in crash position.
Windows Airline:
The airport terminal is nice and colorful, with friendly
stewards and stewardesses, easy access to the plane, and a
completely uneventful takeoff...then, once in the air, the
plane blows up without any warning whatsoever.
Win NT Airline:
Everyone marches out on the runway, says the password in unison,
and forms the outline of an airplane. Then they all sit down
and make a whooshing sound like they're flying.
Unix Airline:
Everyone brings one piece of the plane with them when they come
to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane
together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what kind of
plane they're building.
Mach Airline:
There is no airplane. The passengers gather and shout for an
airplane, then wait and wait and wait and wait. A bunch of people
come, each carrying one piece of the plane with them. These people
all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece,
arguing constantly about what kind of plane they're building. The
plane finally takes off, leaving the passengers on the ground waiting
and waiting and waiting and waiting. After the plane lands, the
pilot telephones the passengers at the departing airport to inform
them that they have arrived.
Newton Airline:
After buying your tickets 18 months in advance, you finally get to
board the plane. Upon boarding the plane, you are asked for your
name. After 4-6 times, the crew member recognizes your name and you
are then allowed to take your seat. As you are getting ready to
take your seat, the steward announces that you will have to repeat
the boarding process because they are out of room and need to recount
to make sure they can take more passengers.
GEORGE 3
When you ask why its taking so long to fly from Ontario
to LA they explain that 80% of power is used to keep the plane in the
air and only 20% is designed for going places.
NOS
The only way to do anything is to say it in either FORTRAN 66 or
Algol 60. Each seat has room for three normal people. You can only
get out at every 10th landing.
Notty airline pilot (Added On: 2010-01-06 Rating : 2.50 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
When the Captain spoke over the intercom system, the passengers were surprised to hear a woman's voice. "Not to worry ... I'm a fully qualified pilot and can fly this aircraft better than any man! If you'd like to see me in action; once the 'fasten seat belt' sign is turned off, feel free to unbuckle your seat belt, stroll down the aisle and join me in the cuntpit."
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There are 16 Aviation jokes in this category. |
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