Guy Jokes
Laws of Golf (Added On: 2012-05-24 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come.This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural
tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and,
eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your
worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number
of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be
proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf
ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does,
the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing
partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the
universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself
as an instuctor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate
golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works
against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the
clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone
in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of
a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS
agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly,
"tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one
who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your
score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the
sunset of the same day.
Golf Swing (Added On: 2012-04-12 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
A young woman dressed in shorts had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help ... and to complain. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee," she said "Where?," he asked. "Between the first and second hole," she replied. He nodded knowingly and said," Then your stance is too wide."
Golf Lessons (Added On: 2012-03-02 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time, and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it - and hacks it another 10 feet. She looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically, "I guess all those fricking lessons I took this winter, didn't help." One of the men immediately replies, " Now, you see, that's your problem..... You should have taken golf lessons instead. "
Heaven, I'm In Heaven... (Added On: 2012-01-29 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Marty and Jane were driving home after an expensive - yet bland -
dinner. Since Marty's minor heart attack 15 years ago, Jane had kept
her hubby on a strict, low sodium, low fat, low cholesterol diet,
depriving him of all the foods he loved.
As Marty turned the corner at a busy intersection, another car slammed
into theirs, killing Marty and Jane instantly.
St. Peter greeted the couple at the Pearly Gates and took them on a
tour of Heaven. Their first stop was a luxury mansion, "Your new
home," St. Peter told them.
Looking at the expensive marble floors, Marty asked, "How much is this
going to cost us?"
"Nothing," St. Peter replied. "Everything is free in Heaven."
Next, they visited their new championship-style golf course.
"This is your private golf course," St. Peter said. "It changes daily,
representing the greatest golf courses on Earth."
"What are the green fees?" Marty asked.
"This is Heaven," St. Peter said. "You play for free, my friend."
Then they went to the clubhouse and saw a lavish buffet made from the
best cuisine Earth had to offer.
"How much to eat?" Marty asked.
St. Peter replied, "My friend, don't you understand yet? This is
Heaven - it's all free!"
"I see," Marty said, scratching his chin. "Tell me, is that meal low
sodium, low fat and low cholesterol?"
"No," St. Peter said. "And that's really the best part: You can eat as
much as you like, of whatever you want, and never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!"
With that, Marty pitched a fit: He tossed his halo on the floor and
took the Lord's name in vain (several times, in fact).
"Marty!" Jane cried. "What's wrong?"
Marty glared at his wife. "What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong!
If it wasn't for your daggone bran muffins, I could have been here
fifteen years ago!"
If I died.. would you remarry? (Added On: 2011-10-12 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
A wife asked her husband, "Honey, if I died would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of griveing, I guess I would. We all need companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the wife asked, "would she live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would. yes."
"If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house," the wife continued, "would she sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us over two thousand dollars. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house and she slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no," the husband replied. "She's left-handed."
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