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Top 10 reasons why e'mail is like a penis (Added On: 2016-05-03 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make over it.
Many of those without it would like to have it. (E-mail envy)
It's more fun when it's up but this makes it hard to get any realwork done.
If you don't take proper precautions it can spread viruses.
If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
If you play with it too much you'll go blind.
Top nine fun things to do aboard the Starship Enterprise (Added On: 2016-05-03 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft.
Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data.
Giving Worf a nuggie.
Ordering a pizza from Domino's, then going 30 minutes into the future just to piss them off. (Ha ha! Free pizza!)
Secretly replacing the dilithium crystals with New Folger's crystals.
Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Countdown during self-destruct sequence.
Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression.
Calling down to the transporter room, and asking if they've beamed aboard Prince Albert in a can.
The facts of email (Added On: 2016-05-03 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
1. Big companies don't do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on "just in case it's true". Furthermore, just because someone said in the message, four generations back, that "we checked it out and it's legit", does not actually make it true.
2. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are hellbent on believing the kidney-theft ring stories, please see:
And I quote: "The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell their stories. None have." That's "none" as in "zero". Not even your friend's cousin.
3. Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if they do, we all have it. And even if you don't, you can get a copy at:
Then, if you make the recipe, decide the cookies are that awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on.
4. We all know all 500 ways to drive your roommates crazy, irritate co-workers, gross out bathroom stall neighbors and creep out people on an elevator. We also know exactly how many engineers, college students, Usenet posters and people from each and every world ethnicity it takes to change a lightbulb.
5. Even if the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain plutonium that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this information would reach the public via an AOL chain-letter?
6. There is no "Good Times" virus. In fact, you should never, ever, ever forward any email containing any virus warning unless you first confirm it at an actual site of an actualcompany that actually deals with virii. Try:
And even then, don't forward it.
7. If your CC: list is regularly longer than the actual content of your message, you're probably going to Hell.
8. If you're using Outlook, IE, or Netscape to write email, turn off the "HTML encoding." Those of us on Unix shells can't read it, and don't care enough to save the attachment and then view it with a web browser, since you're probably forwarding us a copy of the Neiman Marcus Cookie Recipe anyway.
9. If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of headers showing everyone else who's received it over the last 6 months. It sure wouldn't hurt to get rid of all the ">" that begin each line. Besides, if it has gone around that many times - we've probably already seen it.
10.Craig Shergold in England is not dying of cancer or anything else at this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their business cards. He apparently is also no longer a "little boy" either.
85 Rules and Instructions on Being a Man (Added On: 2016-05-03 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Don't call. EVER.
If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her
figure it out by herself.
Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and
unoriginal, such as "Spike"
If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you
mailed it to them/already gave it to them.
Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about it.
Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a
grunt will do.
Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it
isn't your fault.
Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help ---
don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only
monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a big penis)
Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in
One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best
friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not
giving up on her.
Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend
picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
Deny everthing. Everything.
If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her.
Especially female friends you suspect may have a crush on you.
(Probably all of them --- you're a man remember?) They really
want to know.
Don't have a clue.
If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
No means yes.
Yes means no.
If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel.
You may get sick or even die. This is one of the most important
If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions
Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often
signifies the end of a relationship.
Feelings? What feelings?
Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at
something, either pretend it's not true or kick their ass.
Lie I tell you!!
DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed
into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still
must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for
Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic
Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce
Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have sexual
At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various
genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make
a replica of your penis. Exagerate the dimensions by 25%).
"Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying
A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you
completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
Diss your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss
her again. Repeat cycle.
Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it.
If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial
things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.
Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see
It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen,
Play with your food only if you are in a public place with
people you don't know.
Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with
people you don't know.
If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing,
DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.
You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
You are male, therefore you are superior.
Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with
yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to
Don't ever notice anything.
If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't
say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in
love with YOU, and then tell her.
Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically
you've done nothing wrong.
Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you
have to cry about, anyway?
If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this
phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until
a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes
hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and
others will worship your skills.
Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long,
laugh loud, laugh heartily.
If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how
hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor
you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of
If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want
to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't
talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"
Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to
speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you
are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.
If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell
the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave
for a few minutes and when you come back, you want her naked,
sprawled on the bed. Leave, and go into her dad's room and
tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like
hell. (true story.)
If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone
else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the
one who wanted to end the relationship.
The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls
Default facial expression: blank stare.
Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up
your butt. Then, whenever you need a good excuse, you can pull
it out of your ass.
If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do,
first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work,
go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you
don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to
do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish
the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say,
"SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually,
people will stop asking you to do things.
Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or
Beer. Then more beer.
One word: FOOTBALL!
Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want
the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???
Discuss your pecs at every opportunity.
Be a MAN..be a leader..be an example
Warning Label (Added On: 2016-05-03 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of
years on trouble-free service, except that you undoubtably will destroy it via
some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR
GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE! YOU
ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT
ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE
SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEO CASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST
FORWARD", THIS CHILD IS ALSO FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW
STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT JUST AS WELL JUST BREAK
THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
Predictions (Added On: 2016-05-03 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously
considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently
of no value to us."
--Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates, 1981
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked
with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is
a fad that won't last out the year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall,
"But what... is it good for?"
--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM,
1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
--Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital
Equipment Corp., 1977
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who
would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for
investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn
better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
--A Yale University management professor in response to Fred
Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.
(Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
--H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and
not Gary Cooper."
--Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in
"Gone With The Wind."
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
--Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing,
even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about
funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay
our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So
then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't
need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"
--Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get
Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and
reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum
against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge
ladled out daily in high schools."
--1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's
revolutionary rocket work.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
--Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project
to drill for oil in 1859.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
--Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole
Superieure de Guerre.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
--Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
--Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents,
Have you driven a Ford, lately? (Added On: 2016-05-03 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
I made this up.
Looking for a girl-friend
Following are some of the requirements.
* Make and Model Human/Woman
* Year 1966 - 1972
* Mileage Low (prefer ~0)
* Engine Three Cylinder (V-1 position)
Single fuel intake/double exhaust (all three usable)
Very low noise
Quick acceleration (Zero to Sixty Nine in <8 sec.)
A lot of horse power (must feel it)
No exhaust fumes or smoke
* Transmission Manual
Ease of use of the stick shift is a plus
* Clutch Good condition, should be able to handle hard
driving in the city.
* Brakes Front - Disk, Rear - Cylinder (no leaks in the
system and enough fluids)
* Radiator No boiling
Quick warm up and cool down
* Body No Dents/Excellent Condition (well kept)
Color - any (original hood color)
Detailing - as needed but not over-done
Blinking lights-any color (prefer blue)
Weight - Less than 115 lb
Easily Convertible (Remover cover at will)
Comfortable Driver Seat
Front and Back Double Soft-Cushion(tm) suspension
Slim but adequate tires
Absolutely no rust (must be checked and certified)
Clean inside (should be able to eat off it)
* Cost Less than the Bill of Rights
** EFI = Easy Front Interface
[Ed: A reversed version about men was also submitted, but it was too similar
to this one to warrant inclusion here.]
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