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Watching Baywatch (Added On: 2014-03-09 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
10 Things People Around the World Learn About Americans by Watching Baywatch
1. American men and women spend 15 percent of their days running in slow motion along the beach.
2. Americans almost drown an average of two times each hour.
3. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always works and no one actually dies, except from cancer.
4. People in the U.S. look thoughtfully at the ocean for an average of 15 seconds after being told anything of any importance.
5. Americans never worry about getting enough to eat, but fat people are unreliable and sometimes evil.
6. Most American women have abnormally large breasts that are worshipped via close-ups for an average of two minutes and thirteen seconds per hour.
7. When swimming in California, you are more likely to be attacked by jewel thieves or taken hostage by terrorists than you are to drown.
8. Most activity that takes place off the beach occurs in montages and lasts no longer than two minutes.
9. Although Americans, especially lifeguards, complain that they are poor, they all have expensive sports cars and luxurious homes.
10. Motorboats, unlike cars, will not talk back to David Hasselhoff.
The Dress Of Love (Added On: 2014-03-09 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter: "What are you doing naked?"The daughter responds: "This is the dress of love."When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband.When her husband arrives, he asks her: "What are you doing naked, woman?"She responds: "This is the dress of love."And he says to her: "Well, go iron it first."
Children's Books? (Added On: 2014-03-08 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE
1. "Strangers Have the Best Candy"
2. "You Were an Accident" 3. "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
4. "Some Kittens Can Fly!"
5. "Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
6. "Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
7. "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
8. "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
9. "All Dogs Go to Hell"
10."The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
11."When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"
12. "Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
13. "What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
14. "Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
15. "Bi-Curious George"
16. "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
17. "Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"
18. "You Are Different and That's Bad"
19. "Dad's New Wife Timothy"
20. "Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"
21. "Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets"
22. "The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
23. "The Tickling Babysitter"
24. "Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
25. "Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
26. "The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
27. "Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"
28. "The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
29. "Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
30. "The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
31. "How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"
32. "Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear"
The Tomato Family (Added On: 2014-03-08 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
The Tomato family is walking down the street. There's the mama tomato, the papa tomato and baby tomato. They're walking at a good pace when the baby starts lagging behind. Papa tomato starts getting mad. By the third block papa is so furious that he runs back and with his fist, squashes baby tomato. He smiles and says, ''Ketchup!'''
"Time is (Added On: 2014-03-08 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!""According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.""Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.""How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms""Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.""Give me ambiguity or give me something else.""Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?""I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."
Book about commiting suicide (insensitive) (Added On: 2014-03-07 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
A young nervous looking chap sheepishly approaches the Librarian and asks if she has any books on committing suicide?
"Yes," she replies, "aisle 3, third shelf down."
About five minutes later the guy comes back and says, "I'm sorry, but I can't find anything!"
"Hmm, well, the buggers never bring them back you know!"
(Sent by the mate of mine in the UK)
The SUPER Salesman... (Added On: 2014-03-07 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
"Sorry, we don't need anyone..." they replied.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!"
"Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job."
He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.
"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.
"I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, anytime!"
"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."
He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Jone's and this one is Mrs. Johnson's."
"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"
"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention -
so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"
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