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Comeback Lines! (Added On: 2013-12-12 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
M: I know how to please a woman.
W: Then please leave me alone.
M: I want to give myself to you.
W: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
M: Your hair color is fabulous.
W: Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.
M: You look like a dream.
W: Go back to sleep.
M: I can tell that you want me.
W: Yes, I want you to leave.
M: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
W: Do not enter. -OR- Stop.
M: Your body is like a temple.
W: Sorry, there are no services today.
M: Is this seat empty?
W: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
M: What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
W: What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?
M: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
W: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Ethnic slur, otherwise clean (Added On: 2013-12-12 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
This ethnically disadvantaged male person goes into the travel agency and proclaims, "I've seen your ad about a $99.00 trip to Hawaii, and I'd like to go."
The travel agent says, "Listen, friend, this is my first day here, but I know about all the details of that crumby $99.00 offer, and believe me, you DON'T want it. Take the next best offer, which is only $1,399.00."
"Oh, no you don't," says the Polak, "you're not going to catch ME with that bait and switch. The ad says `$99.00 to Hawaii,' and THAT's what I want."
"Okay," says the agent, who takes a baseball bat from under the desk and hits the Polak in the head. The Polak wakes up a few hours later, on a raft out in the Pacific Ocean!
He looks around, and there's NOTHING, only he and another Polak on the raft.
"What are we going to do?" cries our hero, "surely they'll send a ship for us."
"I don't think so," responds his new-found travelling companion, "they didn't LAST YEAR."
Gordon's Object Lifespan Theorem: (Added On: 2013-12-12 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Gordon's Object Lifespan Theorem: No matter the amount of care given the purchased object, it will fuse/explode/disassemble within three days of warranty expiration.
What's It Called? (Added On: 2013-12-11 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Little Johnny was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is it called when people are sleeping on top of each other?" She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Johnny just said, "OK" and went back outside to play. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunk beds!"
USA - a country where they have no President but they do have ... (Added On: 2013-12-11 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
We now live in a country where we have no President but we do have ...
a dead Senator from Missouri going to Congress.
a fake President played on TV by Martin Sheen.
a new Senator from New York who used to be the wife of the boss of the man who may be President.
a Governor from Florida who is the brother of the man who may be President and son of a man who was.
a sitting President whose wife now will be hanging around the same men who voted to remove him from office.
a senior Senator from South Carolina who, under our current Constitution rules, could be appointed to be President in this standoff despite the fact that he is 98.
a potential Vice President who, because he did not take his name off the Connecticut Senate race, could end up being the deciding factor in how the Senate is composed.
And finally ...
A state where a Republican Secretary of State and a Democratic Attorney General try to determine the outcome of 25 electoral votes without appearing to be partisan.
Any questions? Frankly, I don't see what the confusion is all about.
The Leper (Added On: 2013-12-11 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
A leper walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a clod beer. The leper is sitting there, enjoying his beer, when he notices a man across the bar, staring at him, with an expression on his face like he is about to puke. The leper tries to ignore the man, and enjoy his beer, but the man keeps staring, and making faces. So finally, after suffering the man's stares for long enough, the leper stands, and calls across the bar, "Hey man, what's your problem?? I'm a leper, you know it, I know it, everyone knows it. I can't help it. Why do you have to be such an ass?". the man, with the same grossed out look on his face replies, "It's not you, the guy behind you keeps dipping his chip in your neck!".
She-devil (Added On: 2013-12-10 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
There is a man who goes out drinking all the time and comes home very later every night.
So one night his wife decides to teach him a lesson. She dresses up like Satan, and decides to hide in the dark, and scare him when he gets home.
The man comes home, and his wife jumps out and screams in his face.
He just looks at her and says, ''You don't scare me I am married to your sister!'''
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