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Snails (Added On: 2016-07-30 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
Dog at the Movies (Added On: 2016-07-30 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
A man went to a movie theater and was suprised to see that in the seat in front of him sat a man and his dog. The dog was clearly watching the movie with understanding, because he snarled at the villain whenever he spoke, yelped at the funny remarks, and so on. At the end of the movie, the man tapped the dog owner's shoulder and says "excuse me, but I can't get over your dog's behavior." The owner said "I know, me too. After all He hated the book."
Top 10 Reasons For Studying Martial Arts (Added On: 2016-07-30 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
10) Broken masonry makes great drainage for potted plants.9) Get beaten up by people half your size and twice your age.8) Never run out of kindling wood again.7) No need to wonder what belt to wear.6) Get to be on first name basis with the Emergency Room staff.5) These uniforms make nice pajamas.4) Never need to wonder why it's hard to get up in the morning.3) Get to appreciate the finer points of Chuck Norris' acting.2) Learn to count to 10 in 3 different Asian languages. And the top reason for studying martial arts:
1) (Tie) Get to star in Ginsu commercials. / Three words: free nose job.
Why did the condom fly across the road? (Added On: 2016-07-30 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Why did the condom fly across the road?
-It was pissed off!!
Ribbet! (Added On: 2016-07-30 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
What is a frogs favorite drink?
Xmas Tree and Priest Alike (Added On: 2016-07-30 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike?
They both have ornamental balls.
FBI-CIA-LAPD!!! (Added On: 2016-07-30 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
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