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Welcome to A + Jokes - Your online resource for funny and hilarious jokes. See the 5 latest jokes added here. Browse the menu on the left for category based jokes. Check out the comic strip section where you can find many cartoons updated on a daily basis and weekly basis.
Bad Pickup Line (Added On: 2012-01-28 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke) Is that Windex in your pants? Because I can sure see myself in them.
fly (Added On: 2012-01-28 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke) If a bird can fly, can a fly bird?
Lawyers Revenge (Added On: 2012-01-28 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke) A quick narrative. I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It's a '70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the proto-typical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch yourself and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires. I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this crazy, over aerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up. Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance. She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you idiot." I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, "Jerk" at me again. Twice? I turn around and drive up next to her. "Do you have a problem?" I ask. "Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?" "I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly?" "You were speeding. I watched you." "You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?" (Ever the interrogator) "I heard you." "So, you measured my speed by ear?" "I can hear." "How fast did you HEAR me going?" "Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a cop. I'll wave him down." THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding. "What happened?" he asks. I told him the story, and told him that I accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed limit is 35) to avoid a collision. "Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks. She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them." I give the paperwork to the cop. She tries to find another thing to screw me with. She says, "What about those big tires? They CAN'T be legal." I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn. "These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429," I told the cop, "Which makes them street legal as a replacement." Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give out any tickets to this jerk?" The cop says, "No, I am not." I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that she left the street at the corner, and then she met up with my car here. According to Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offense." "What?" The cop looks confused. "Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A citizen can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v. Ohio (My new favorite case). Since she couldn't measure my speed, she had no probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable offense." The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this." "But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street." The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he authorized the summonses. She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge! Of course, if she demands a trial I won't prosecute. But the look on her face as she walked away was more than enough satisfaction for me. Yeah, I've got a law degree, and I'm not afraid to use it.
Winning numbers (Added On: 2012-01-27 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke) On a recent vacation, I came upon the following news item in
the March 15 Blue Springs, Missouri, Examiner: PICK 3 ST. LOUIS--The winning numbers drawn Tuesday night in the daily
Missouri Lottery Pick 3 game were 9-9-9. A winning $1 ticket with the numbers in the correct order paid $500; a
winning $1 ticket with the numbers in any order paid $160.
3 short jokes about irish folks (Added On: 2012-01-27 Rating : 4.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke) One Sunday morning, while walking to church, Paddy askes Bridget, "Bridget, do we have sexual relations?"Bridget: "Not on my side of the family, we don't." Q. What's Irish foreplay?
A. "Brace yourself, Bridget!" Q. What is the most useless thing on a woman's body?
A. An Irishman.
Heard On Noahs Ark (Added On: 2012-01-27 Rating : 4.50 / 5.00 Rate This Joke) 10. "Did anyone think about bringing a couple ofumbrellas?"9. "Hey, there are more than two flies in here!"8. "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"7. "OK, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes onboard?"6. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!"5. "Don't Make Me Pull This Ark Over And Come Back There!"4. "No Ham, you cannot eat the Pig!"3. "And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."2. "Nice Doggie!"AND THE NUMBER ONE THING OVERHEARD ON NOAH'S ARK.....1. "Are We There Yet?"
Knock-Knocks 4 Kids Galore (Added On: 2012-01-26 Rating : 4.50 / 5.00 Rate This Joke) Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Rita.
Rita who?
Rita book, you might learn something. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Police.
Police who?
Police open the door, I'm tired of knocking. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was in his apple. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Carrie.
Carrie who?
Carrie on with what you're doing, I'm at the wrong door. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Anita.
Anita who?
Anita drink of water. Knock! Knock!
Who's ther?
Dwain.
Dwain who?
Dwain the bathtub, I'm dwrowning.
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