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The Truth (Added On: 2018-02-25 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, I know the whole truth -- even when you don't know anything. The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, I know the whole truth. His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, Just don't tell your father. Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, I know the whole truth. The father promptly hands him $40 and says, Please don't say a word to your mother. Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, I know the whole truth. The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, Then come give your FATHER a big hug.
Interview Don'ts (Added On: 2018-02-25 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations asking for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants revealed the following low-lights: 1. ''... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.'' 2. ''She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.'' 3. ''A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.'' 4. ''... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.'' 5. ''... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve'' 6. ''Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.'' 7. ''Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.'' 8. ''When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.'' 9 . ''At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through his briefcase, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.'' 10. ''... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.'' 11. ''Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.''
12. ''While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.'' 13. ''During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.'' 14. ''A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: '''Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.'' 15. ''His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.'' 16. ''Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.'' 17. ''... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.'' 18. ''Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.''
Ask, and ye shall receive (Added On: 2018-02-25 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
[Offensive to large bodies of water]
The old Jewish man was walking on the beach with his only grandson,
when a giant wave crashes onshore, sweeping the boy out to sea.
The man looks up to the heavens and says, "Oh Lord, this is my only
grandson, how can you take him away from me like this? My son will
not understand. My daughter-in-law will die from grief."
Another wave comes by, and deposits the boy at the old man's feet.
The grandfather looks to the heavens again and says, "He had a hat!"
Toothbrushes (Added On: 2018-02-25 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
There was this poor soul who couldn't hold a job. Every time he managed
to land one, he would get fired for some reason or other. He was explaining
his misery to a friend, and his friend told him that he thought he could get
him a job that was almost impossible to get fired from. He proceeded to tell
him about said job. He explained how he responded to an advertisement in a
newspaper claiming he could bring home big bills by selling toothbrushes.
Needless to say this poor man couldn't afford to turn down this job, so he
found the clipping and mailed away for his kit.
Upon arrival, he immediately opened his package and eagerly went door to
door trying to sell his toothbrushes, but nobody seemed interested enough to
buy any. He went back to his friend's house and asked how many toothbrushes he
usually sold. His friend told him 700 to 800/wk. Astonished, he asked
what his secret was. His friend told him that a good businessman would never
reveal his secrets. He did however tell him that honesty is not always the
best policy. This got our friend thinking. He left with his idea, and returned
a week later. Upon arrival at his friend's house he couldn't help but to brag
how he managed to outsell his friend, three-fold. His friend insisted he tell
him how he managed to pull off a feat like that. He said a good businessman
would never reveal his secrets, but he felt he never would have gotten the job
if it weren't for his friend. He told him that he went to the airport with bags
and bags of potato chips and massive quantities of dip, and a big sign that
read, "FREE CHIPS AND DIP." People were all to eager to help themselves and
tasting it, would reply, "Hey! This dip tastes like shit!"
He would reply, "It is. Want to buy a toothbrush?"
Let's go Shopping. (Added On: 2018-02-25 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Q: What's a Jewish American Princess' favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's
Why Captain Janeway is Better Than Captain Picard (Added On: 2018-02-25 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
More hair than all previous Star Trek commanding officers combined.
Drinks coffee, not that sissy "Earl Grey" stuff.
Beams down to the planet like real Captains should.
Mutes the doctor when the doctor gets out of line.
Hasn't let an adolescent pilot the Federation flagship -- yet.
Commanded ships blown up: Picard: 2 Janeway: 0
Voyager needs a female Captain. Its Captain must be willing to
admit they're lost and pull over for directions.
Picard likes to talk his way through. Janeway likes to punch her way through.
Hasn't quoted Shakespeare -- yet.
Looks better in sleepwear.
Gives guilt trips that would make a Jewish mother proud.
Isn't French with an English accent.
Will give you two days off to ponder your lifeshattering experience.
Janeway says "I don't like you!" to her enemies instead of trying
to convince them to behave better.
To comfort children, Janeway cares for them in a loving motherly
way. Picard sings a song... in French... about a monk... who
can't wake up for morning bells.
The only children on Voyager can be turned off at will.
Janeway has a First Officer with a tattoo.
She doesn't have any pesky Federation Admirals to get in her way.
Three words: Compression Phaser Rifles.
Acknowledges freely when she breaks the Prime Directive instead
of trying to weasel her way out of it with philosophical ramblings.
15 episodes without surrendering the ship.
15 episodes and Wesley has yet to save the ship.
Janeway's holo programs create useful things like doctors and
lungs. Picard's holodecks create maniacal evil geniuses who yet
again take over the ship.
She doesn't need to straighten her uniform every time she stands.
Janeway has never worn green tights and frolicked about in
Sherwood Forest. However, if she did, she would look fantastic!
Kirk looked good in ripped shirts; Picard looked good without a
shirt; Janeway would look... no, they can't do that on network television.
Doesn't force her crew to wear awful outfits, unless it is to
blend in with a primitive planet.
She doesn't waste time learning foreign languages. All lifeforms
in the Delta Quadrant speak perfect English.
Her engineer does not wear a banana clip over his eyes.
Slouches in her chair even in critical life-threatening moments.
Doesn't have a Counselor on board (thank God!).
Her telepath only lives nine years.
Janeway heard the words "boldly go where no man (er, woman)
has gone before" and took them to the extreme.
Picard tells alien cultures, "I hope our two cultures will one
day come to a greater understanding." Janeway threatens them with
"the deadliest of force".
Janeway's Security Chief would never grow a ponytail.
The high point of Enterprise cuisine were scrambled eggs that
only Worf could stomach.
Janeway doesn't have to point which way to go when they set off.
Maintains an elaborate hairdo that would baffle even Princess Leia.
Has mastered facial expression understood by all to mean, "Boy,
Paris, are YOU ever stupid."
Hugs her Vulcan from time to time.
Has a more manly voice.
Doesn't have a starship that splits in half when it's in a tight spot.
Has a dog and a significant other, not some damn fish!
Kes. Troi. No contest.
Nealix. Replicator. Ok, this one's debatable.
At least she doesn't have to yell "Hot!" at her cook every time
she wants something to drink.
Her ship has neat-looking folding warp nacelles.
Her CONN officer actually went through the Academy.
Her CONN officer can use contractions.
Her first officer has a hallucinogenic device.
None of the crew members' relatives have ever tried to take over
the ship, invade the Federation, steal a starship, or enslave all humankind.
To help her relax, Janeway's first officer helps her contact her
spirit guide. Picard's first officer helps him get... to Risa.
Multitasking and Chewing Gum (Added On: 2018-02-25 Rating : 2.00 / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
New Deal software runs in a preemptive, multithreaded multitasking
environment. But what does that mean? Here's an explanation from one
of the designers of the software.
The Walking and Chewing Gum Theory
Single-Tasking: You are walking down the street
and you decide you would like to chew gum. You stop, untie your shoes
and take them off, get a pack of gum from your pocket, take out a
stick, put it in your mouth and then chew. When you are done chewing
you remove the gum from your mouth, place it carefully back inside the
wrapper, put it in your pocket, put back on your shoes and then
continue to walk.
Task-Switching: You are walking down the street
and you decide you would like to chew gum. You slip out of your
loafers, grab the piece of gum you have stashed behind your ear for
just such an emergency and chew, chew, chew. When you are done
chewing, you remove the gum from your mouth and quickly place it
behind your ear (making sure, of course, that no one sees you do
something so disgusting), slip back on your loafers and continue
Cooperative Multi-tasking: You are walking down
the street with gum in your mouth. Your shoes have been specially
designed to release your brain at the end of every other step. As soon
as your brain is free it notices that you have gum in your mouth. You
chew your gum twice. Your gum then releases its grip on your
brain. Your brain looks around and realizes that you are standing in
the middle of a busy street with your mouth open. You quickly start to
walk, hoping that you will reach the sidewalk before you are hit by a
car and lose your gum. Warning, there may be bugs in your shoes or
your gum. Several users have reported uncontrollable chewing while
standing on one leg.
Pre-Emptive Multi-tasking: You are walking down
the street and chewing your gum. Just like the other coordinated human
beings. Little do they know you are really an android: a flesh covered
machine from the future, stalking the streets of the city, looking for
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